


it's not what i asked for

by CoffeeAndArrows



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Post 4x11, sara and ava are broken up at this point, zari needs some advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 20:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20681525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndArrows/pseuds/CoffeeAndArrows
Summary: “It’s kinda - complicated,” Zari attempted, avoiding meeting her eyes. She shrugged, and Sara couldn’t help the tiny, unexplainable hint of concern that the gesture provoked.She waited.“It's just - I think - ” Zari groaned, trailing off before she'd even begun, letting her head fall back to rest against the wall. Sara's eyes flickered over her face, taking in the torn, conflicted expression that she still hadn't managed to shift. “It's a mess."As if any part of their lives wasn’t.OR, a little conversation between sara and z about some very complicated feelings





	it's not what i asked for

**Author's Note:**

> i'm attempting to clear out my drafts and stop being such a perfectionist so here's a slightly out of character conversation between sara and zari which i (mostly) wrote months ago
> 
> tbh you can take whatever zari ships you want out of this
> 
> very un-edited pls ignore the mistakes

“Couldn’t sleep?” Zari asked softly, eyes flickering over to the time courier in Sara's hand, one hand lingering on the doorframe as if not entirely convinced coming here had been a good idea.

Sara shuffled over on her bed, tilting her head towards the empty space beside her, attempting to give Zari a reassuring smile but instead looking up to see her fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist, absentmindedly spinning the totem around. 

“Are you free?” she clarified, this time with a hint of desperation. She sounded... off. Unsure. Unlike herself in a way that made Sara's heart twist a little in concern, because, well, this was  _ Zari _ .  The same Zari who generally preferred to shove every single feeling into a box and leave it there. Not that she could fault that method. 

“Has Ava called yet?” Zari asked softly, adding another question to the pile as if at some point Sara would start answering. She made her way across the room, appearing suddenly beside Sara on the bed without her having noticed her moving and Sara blinked, biting back a humourless laugh. Of course Zari was concerned about  _ her _ love life, even after the night they’d just had.

Although - this wasn’t about Ava. Not really. They’d already talked about Ava, and Zari knew she and Sara hadn’t sorted out any of the mess they'd left between them.

It was just difficult to be vulnerable when it seemed like she was the only one falling apart. 

Sara bit her lip, fingers tapping absentmindedly against her leg. Until Ava changed her mind on the magical creatures, or at least listened to her side of the story, there was nothing she could do. But Zari seemed to need something from her, some advice or reassurance she didn’t know how to ask for, and if this was the lead in she needed, so be it. 

“Nothing’s changed between me and Ava,” she admitted, avoiding meeting Zari’s eyes. She was the captain. She was  _ supposed  _ to be the strong one, the one who held the team together, not the one they could all see crumbling in front of them because her girlfriend had told her to go, and stupidly, she’d had. She’d left Ava in tears, because there was nothing more she could do. She’d left.

This mess was on her. 

Sara exhaled, forcing her thoughts to the back of her mind and instead focusing back on Zari, sitting beside her with her legs pulled up to her chest and a thoughtful, far-away look in her eyes. “But you didn’t come here to ask about Ava.” 

Zari raised an eyebrow slightly in defiance, briefly looking as if she wanted to disagree, but it only took one concerned glance from Sara for her to sag back against the wall, fight draining from her and leaving her looking even more exhausted than she had been when she first appeared in the doorway.

“Z?” Sara asked softly, and Zari chewed on her lower lip, avoiding meeting her eyes. It was ironic, really, how Zari had become the person who tapped on her door late at night when her light was still on, or found her in her office with a glass of whiskey in hand and tears hovering just behind her eyes after a particularly rough mission or one two many dreams of a family she could never get back, a family she should never have dragged into this life. 

Zari was terrible at this, and so was she, but they were the same  _ kind _ of terrible. And since Amaya had left, she’d somehow become the person Zari turned to when she needed to, on the few rare occasions she was willing to admit she needed help. She’d become someone Zari trusted, someone she could lean on when everything she knew was falling in on itself and she didn’t know where to start. 

“It’s kinda - complicated,” Zari attempted, avoiding meeting her eyes. She shrugged, and Sara couldn’t help the tiny, unexplainable hint of concern that the gesture provoked.

She waited.

“It's just -” 

“I think - ”

Zari groaned, trailing off before she'd even begun, letting her head fall back to rest against the wall. Sara's eyes flickered over her face, taking in the torn, conflicted expression that she still hadn't managed to shift. “It's a mess,” Zari tried for the third time, as if attempting to warn her.

As if any part of their lives wasn’t.   
  


Sara tapped two fingers lightly against Zari’s knee, but Zari remained silent, sending a hopeless,  _ I don’t know where to start _ look in her direction, and Sara sighed. It wasn’t as if she knew where to start either, but tact had always been something they were both lacking.

“So I’m assuming,” she started cautiously, keeping her eyes fixed on Zari “that this is about Nate. At least, partially.”

Zari closed her eyes, seeming to shrink back against the wall, and it was so unlike her that Sara almost wished she’d kept her mouth shut, distracting Zari with a film or a video game or  _ something _ , anything except this. 

“Yeah. It is. But - it’s about Charlie too. No, Amaya. I don’t know.”

She shrugged hopelessly. “It’s... earlier, when you guys were talking about us, I - well, I don’t think you were  _ wrong _ .”

Sara raised an eyebrow, and Zari exhaled shakily.

“But I’m - I don’t know what to do about it, and I know it’s not fair to bring this to you, not when I pushed you to ask Ava out last year, but - ”

“That was different,” she interrupted, before Zari could follow that train of thought. “I needed that push Z, and I’m always going to be grateful for it, but either way you can’t compare it to this. It’s not the same.”

Zari shrugged halfheartedly, and Sara lightly nudged her shoulder. “C’mon Z. I know you didn’t come here just to sit on my bed in silence.”

Zari’s lip twitched for a split second, and for the first time that evening, she looked like herself. “I didn’t,” she agreed reluctantly, going back to twisting her totem around her wrist. “But I don’t know how to  _ do _ this. It’s not as if there was time for dating with the world falling apart around us in 2042, and then last year - ” she swallowed, switching topics, and Sara attempted to pretend she hadn’t noticed. “Nate probably still wishes he could be with Amaya, and I’m not sure  _ I _ ever got over - “ 

She cut herself off sharply, biting down hard enough on her tongue that it must’ve almost drawn blood. _I’m not sure I ever got over_ _Amaya._

Sara carefully let out a breath, giving Zari the chance to either pick up where she left off or attempt to redirect the conversation, but she didn’t.

She wasn't sure how far she could push this. 

Zari had never been one to open up - it was one of the reasons they clashed when she first joined the team, both of them too harsh, too sarcastic, with sharp edges that grated against each other until they finally realised how well they fitted together. But they’d never talked about  _ this _ .

And she wasn’t even  _ sure _ . 

“It’s complicated,” Zari murmured yet again, and Sara nodded.

She'd had her suspicions, but she'd never... she hadn't wanted to rock the boat. Not when Zari barely knew her, and certainly didn't trust her. But she looked so lost, sitting beside her on the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest, eyes closed because even after the night they'd just had talking about  _ feelings _ still felt like baring her entire soul to the world - too risky, too dangerous, and far too likely to backfire. 

Sara let out the breath she was holding, hoping desperately that she wasn't about to break the fragile trust Zari seemed to have placed in her.

“It's complicated,” she agreed, words barely more than a murmur. “because you're still in love with Amaya.”

Zari froze, and suddenly Sara had no idea where she was trying to go with this. Zari’s lips moved hesitantly, as if to defend herself, but her words were jumbled at best, and barely audible. She looked lost. No, not lost, just...exposed.

Seen, but not in the way she’d wanted to be seen.

“It’s okay,” Sara attempted to reassure her, but Zari interrupted her before she could continue.

“ - who else - “

“No one.” 

Sara bit her lip for a moment, working her way through the rest of her team. Ray was too oblivious, Mick didn’t care. Nate... Nate was too in love with Amaya to notice, too caught up in her leaving - which added a whole extra layer to the  _ other _ mess they’d barely skirted over, but she couldn’t bring Nate back up  _ now _ . “Or at least - I haven’t mentioned anything to anyone, and none of the others have said anything to me.”

“But - ”

Sara shook her head, nudging Zari’s knee gently with her own. Seeing Zari this open and vulnerable wasn’t getting any easier, especially not when Zari swallowed whatever she’d been about to say, picking at a cut on her thumb. “I wasn’t even certain,” Sara attempted to reassure her, not even sure what point she was trying to make. “Not for a long time. Not until...” She trailed off, and Zari shifted uncomfortably beside her. “Not until Charlie,” Sara finished hesitantly, and Zari let out a sudden, bitter laugh, but made no attempt to interrupt. 

“I didn’t like her either, not at first, but it was different for you. There was something between you two. A tension I didn’t understand at first, and then I thought…”

Zari ran one hand over her face, cutting Sara off with another sharp glance, despite them both knowing what she’d been about to say. 

_ I thought you liked her _ .

The silence hung in the air for a moment, neither of them making any attempt to fill it. 

An exhausted breath hissed through Zari’s teeth. “Maybe I did,” she admitted quietly, uncertain. “Maybe I  _ do _ . I can’t - I don’t _ know _ , I don’t know whether she just looks like Amaya - it’s not like I ever processed  _ that _ either, she was just suddenly  _ here _ with that smile and those eyes looking like the mirror image of the girl I fell in love with, but every time she speaks it’s another reminder that she’s  not _ . _ ”

She’s not. She couldn’t be further from Amaya, but that’s not a reminder Zari needed. She already knew.

Sara sighed. 

She really wasn’t the one to go to for advice - it’s not as if she’d ever been good at this. But Zari needed  _ something _ , some kind of reassurance, and right now she was the only one who could give it. 

She was right. It  _ was _ a mess. A big, complicated, chaotic mess. But it didn’t have to stay that way, not forever, so Sara pushed herself up slightly, avoiding Zari’s eyes. She was more likely to consider Sara’s advice if she only had to focus on her words, and she seemed like she needed something to hold onto.

“Take it slow,” she started, words careful. “I know you like to be in control Z, but it’s okay to take some time to work out how you feel. You don’t owe anything to Nate, and you don’t owe anything to Amaya, or Charlie, or anyone else on this team. This is about you. Just you.”

Zari shrugged one shoulder, slipping her thumb through the buttonhole on the cuff of her shirt, seeming to accept the advice she was given, but unsure whether she’d actually be able to follow it. 

Which was fair, Sara mused as Zari pushed herself up, offering her a grateful smile and making her way towards the door. Neither of them were good at taking the time to sort through their emotions. Yet another thing they had in common.

Zari paused, hand resting against the doorframe, and she tilted her head to meet Sara’s eyes. She’d never been good at this either, but her eyes said more than her words ever could. “Hey,” she said softly, almost too quietly for Sara to hear from the other side of the room. She looked as if to she had more to say, but thought better of it, instead opting for a simple, succinct “thanks.”

Sara smiled. “Anytime.”

**Author's Note:**

> don't drag me into any ship wars i'm just here for my girl zari xx
> 
> yell at me on tumblr @z-tomaz


End file.
